


Harde-Core Crystal METH

by sarcasticBanshee



Category: Malicious Kontent, Various Animes, Various Bethesda Games
Genre: F/M, Foul/Coarse Vernacular, Humour, NPC Death, Opinionated Statements, Other, Sexy Times, Various Alternate Spellings, Various Possible Spelling Errors, stats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2019-10-20 06:24:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17617199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticBanshee/pseuds/sarcasticBanshee
Summary: In a world where anything from a drink at the pub to a knife in a neck could lead to uttter chaos,a young man finds himself in a position requiring him to save the world.He must defeat "Great Evils"pass many totally not tedious trials,and lay a Legendary Dragon Fujoshi.Will he be able to pass all of these trials?Not without dying 60 something times.





	1. Cougar Oak-Wood Door Gets Fondled by Barely Legal Teen (Door-Play)

'Twas a particularly balmy afternoon in BARELY HILLS, and everything and body was hot, especially a young, strapping lad.  
Yes, today was the non specific day he, SETHIAS JA'ARE, like other lads his age, would go out on a venture to slay or lay a dragon.  
To him, it seemed obscure to have to do this as a teen, though, no one questioned it. He thought he might as well,  
no harm in trying.

The morning walk SETHIAS took never made him feel more at peace, not to mention the breeze from the grandiose weather that cooled even the hottest of people

running in fear

whilst on fire.

Yeah, no, that guy is actually on fire.

  
-RANDOM CITIZEN takes a total of 45 DMG from DEBRIS FIRE!  
-RANDOM CITIZEN has perished and drops 4 GP and 9 XP.  
SETHIAS' swagger-like bliss had been interrupted by a dragon attack, but to him,it was just another it was just another manic Monday.

The commotion was erupting form a local "MANGO & ANIMU SHOPPE", that sold the finest Yaoi BLCDs since 1569.  
Aside from the several bodies, be it corpse or weeping Otakus, SETHIAS was prepared to walk in there like VAN HELSING in the intro for the olde XBox game. He readied his CARBON BLAYDE [12 DMG] and his ENHANCED WOODEN SHIELD OF PROTECTION [32.2 DEF] and prepared his GAUNT [+12 SWAGGAR], which had immediately backfired and instead looked more like a GOD-AWFUL PIMP WALK [-6 SWAGGAR]. As he approached the DOOR, he was greeted with a stern glare from a CITY GUARD, who was on fire, no one could get in, no one could get out, good for him. He was also engulfed in flames. The CITY GUARD spoke in a very authoritative tone,  
"Stop, citizen, go- AH! back to where you- OOH! came, there is a- HWAGH! dragon attack in there."  
It is certainly a good thing this CITY GAURD was here to tell you about the not at all obvious fucking dragon attack.

  
-CITY GUARD's USE FULL EXPOSTIONARY PHRASE wore off!  
-CITY GUARD gained MORTALITY.  
-CITY GUARD is now susceptible to all damage & attacks!

The CITY GUARD almost immediately turns around and runs into the SHOPPE shouting things like "Getting tired?" and "Why. Won't. You. Die?!".

-CITY GUARD takes a total of 70 FIRE DMG from DRAGON'S BREATH!  
-CITY GUARD is FLEEING.

  
"Run away!" said the CITY GUARD whilst drinking a POTION OF MINOR HEALING [+10 HP]. At some point he dies from a SPIDER'S BYTE, but not now.  
SETHIAS has had enough of this tomfuckery and sets out to put and end to it. As he enters the SHOPPE he recognizes some anime, such as  
"OLD GRASS", "DEATH METAL CHEMIST", "HIGH IQ", "NO MORE ORIGAMI" & "I BLEW AN EXORCIST". There are also a barrel of MOE titles  
but SETHIAS has to lower his DEFENCE skill by 100% if he wants to even consider about taking the anime about a neon-haired Tsundere maiden  
on a quest to impress her true love SENPAI-SEMPAI and stop the evil DEMON OVERLORDS from taking away all the doki-doki's and DESU-DESU's in  
the world. He shreds a tear and continues on, giving one more look back at the barrel. Cucked again.

SETHIAS walked through the flames carefully, knowing very well that if you don't look at nor acknowledge a lit flame, it will become sad, won't light you aflame, and has a 70% chance of dying down. He approached a Large Door lined with a décor that resembled the pelt of an Eastern Cougar. He reached his hand out to feel the pelt and was overwhelmed with a feeling of satisfaction, as the pelt was perfectly warm and soft, as expected.

  
He then reached for the door know, aching for a touch and turn. It played hard-to-get. That's okay though, that's how he liked his doors, stubborn and straight to the lock fiddling. He pulled out his 7 and a half inch long TENSION WRENCH and GIRTHY STEEL PICK out of his BUTTONED POUCH. SETHIAS carefully inserted the TENSION WRENCH into the bottom of the untouched COUGAR OAK-WOOD KEYHOLE with slight pressure, but slowly, nonetheless. The iron COUGAR OAK-WOOD KEYHOLE looked so cold and lonely, it's probably been locked for ages, and what with this fire, it's become all hot and bothered, and not to mention it's almost melting to the point that it's become sopping wet. He carefully inserted the GIRTHY STEEL PICK into the COUGAR OAK-WOOD KEYHOLE and started to apply a bit of torque to the TENSION WRENCH, cautiously avoiding too much pressure and going loose too soon. He started to move back to his GIRTHY STEEL PICK and scrubbed the COUGAR OAK-WOOD KEYHOLE back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until finally he had enough. This was it. The moment He's been waiting for. He wiped the sweat from with brow onto his cotton cufflinks, All the pins in the COUGAR OAK-WOOD KEYHOLE were set, his hand grasped the COUGAR OAK-WOOD DOORKNOB and lingered a bit to feel a wave of success wash over him (along with a brief sexy sounding bass-line).

-45 XP EARNED!  
-SETHIAS gained a SKILL LEVEL!  
-SETHIAS is now a level IX SMITHY!  
-AUTOSAVE IS ENABLED, COMMENCING SAVE..  
-SAVE SUCCESSFUL!

SETHIAS opens the COUGAR OAK-WOOD DOOR and is met with a warm wholesome embrace of death by DRAGON'S BREATH [+69 FIRE DMG]. Not prepared, SETHIAS is hit by the attack rather easily.

-SETHIAS takes a total of 100 FIRE DAMAGE from DRAGON'S BREATH!  
-DRAGON'S BREATH does an additional 10 DAMAGE, due to SETHIAS'S UNPREPARED gauge being at 87%!  
-DRAGON'S BREATH does an additional 20 FIRE DAMAGE, due to a CR1TIKAL HIT!  
-DRAGON'S BREATH does an additional 1 DAMAGE due to SETHIAS'S SUSCEPTIBILITY-GAUGE being at 12%  
-SETHIAS has perished.

GAMA OVAR  
RETRY, QUIT, OR CONTINUE FROM LAST SAVE? (R, Q, C)

\-------------------------------------------END OF CHAPTER I----------------------------------  
KILLS:0  
DEATHS:1  
XP EARNED: 45 (+6 SWAGGAR BONUS)  
SKILL LEVELS GAINED: 1  
====================================================================


	2. I'm Okay With That, And I'm Not Okay With That (Take An L)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one of mundane ideas:  
> get this  
> go there  
> and do the ting

SETHIAS is holding a knob, in the sense that it is attached to a COUGAR OAK-WOOD DOOR and he was about to open it.  
But a strange feeling overwhelms him, as if opening this specific COUGAR OAK-WOOD DOOR would result in his demise.  
As if EVERYTHING up to this point would mean NOTHING and would go to waste if he opens this very door.  
Although, he doesn't really understand what's wrong, and is certain that there isn't anything potentially  
dangerous behind the door, it's just a hunch. Besides, whatever is behind the door doesn't seem too content  
with coming out of the CLOSET any time soon. He hears a dragon muttering something about SHITE PAIRINGS and...  
possible naval combat? SHIPS??? These conclusions are based off of listening through a COUGAR-PADDED OAK-WOOD DOOR  
during a fucking Dragon attack, nothing is 100% here.

SETHIAS lets go of the door knob and devises a plan, one that will take only the wisest of minds to compose… A Store CLEREK.  
One 20 PACE walk later, SETHIAS strolls into a nearby CONVENIENCE STORE and makes a B Line for the CLEREK.  
The CLEREK gives a very... sleepy, odd look, it could be stern, it could be seductive, I'll never tell.  
It seems this CLEREK didn't really dress in a uniform, and he just arrived to work in a simple WHITE TEA-SHIRT,  
FADED JEANS, and invisible shoes, unless... yeah, there aren't any shoes. The CLEREK then states that the YAOI CAFE  
is 40 PACES SOUTH of here, this is because you have absent mindedly checked out the CLEREK.  
-The CLEREK does not blush from this, because his KUU stat is capped above 87% during INCONVENIENT DRAGON ATTACKS

SETHIAS asks the odd and seemingly attractive- no homo- CLEREK if he knew how to calm down a dragon.  
The CLEREK asks SETHIAS if he intends to LAY or SLAY the dragon-loli. Feeling over confident in a very meek fashion,  
SETHIAS claims to set out a LAY the dragon- wait what? SETHIAS stops himself. The current situational irony of the  
time-zone he is currently in makes no sense to him at the moment. He is almost certain that is illegal. Is the dragon  
a lolicon? The CLEREK clears up the misconception that the dragon is technically not a loli, if that makes it better.  
SETHIAS has become slightly distraught and can only return to normality if a STICK OF MINT FLAVOURING is consumed soon.  
-LEWD the dragon? (*100 XP) Y/N  
SETHIAS decides he should, so he accepts.

The CLEREK gave him a POTION OF PERMANENT CHANGES. Holy shit, that name sounds like bad everything.  
SETHIAS asks for the price of the POTION, the CLEREK simply smirks whilst biting his thumbnail, and says that it is  
free. SETHIAS would ask what the POTION'S effects are, but the CLEREK has fallen asleep behind the counter. He's kind of  
a cutie- no homo- when you think about it. A large SHINIGAMI or REAPER then drapes a SNUG BLANKET onto the sleeping CLEREK.  
That's so sweet SETHIAS almost forget the whole burning town outside. SETHIAS looks at the POTION with a worried expression,  
before storing it in his BUTTONED POUCH.

SETHIAS, determined to lewd a possible loli, hurries back to the MANGO & ANIMU SHOPPE. The flames have calmed down and  
are now sorrowful, allowing for SETHIAS to walk to the COUGAR OAK-WOOD DOOR with ease. He then prepares to drink the  
POTION OF PERMANENT CHANGES...  
-DRINK the POTION OF PERMANENT CHANGES? Y/N  
-Doing so will cause all other previous saves to be deleted and automatically save this profile.  
SETHIAS accepts  
-ALL PROFILES DELETED.  
-AUTOSAVE IS ENABLED, COMMENCING SAVE..  
-SAVE SUCCESSFUL!

The fluid tasted like that of a cup of tea, though, it burned like hell, and wasn't at all refreshing in the least.  
His skin started to cool down as two fluffy ears jutted out of his skull in mere seconds, followed by an equally  
fluffy tail... Can't get worse than this. The COUGAR OAK-WOOD DOOR opens, in it stands a very naked DRACONIC HUMAN  
who laughs at the sight of your silly ears... It got worse.  
\-------------------------------------------END OF CHAPTER II----------------------------------  
KILLS:0  
DEATHS:0  
XP EARNED: 100  
SKILL LEVELS GAINED: 1

==============================================================================================


	3. Somewhere 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are happening  
> people are changing  
> and you don't know it

======CUTSCENE START========

I, a noble GUARD rush into a CAVERN-LIKE ROOM holding a lit torch-  
My hair burned from my head, yet still burns.  
-GUARD has become ENLIGHTENED, and is now invulnerable to any FLAME damage.  
-GUARD is now a PLAYABLE CHARACTER!

My health is dwindling, I am fatigued.  
Stepping into a LARGER ROOM, I check my WATCH.  
"Noon," I mutter through my ENLIGHTENED HEAD.  
Not short after, a MEDIUM-LARGE SPIDER scuttles by,  
"Now, I know what you're thinking,  
'Is she really just gonna scuttle-scut on by without saying 'Howdy?'."  
Surprised, I am immediately intrigued.

"Hell no, Howdy, bitch! Name's Jane!"  
"Why, hello there. I'm... Well... I do not know yet," Being a self-aware entity sure is difficult.  
"Fuck that, if you were a GUARD, i'd give you a name on the spot!"  
"Oh! But I am! I've been working for some sort of... Imperialistic Legion of sorts."  
"Weeeeeell, boot-scootin'-boogie, bitch, you're in luck!"  
The foul language coming from the or face of this spider gives me suspicions that  
this is a CLOUNE in disguise. 

JANE summons a large Jyester-like SPINNING TERROR WHEEL, on it it has various names with numbers  
and odd symbols you've never seen before. JANE throws a dart at the wheel as it spins 7 times,  
5 darts hit, 1 misses, and another falls off. As the wheel comes to a halt, yor name scrambles and assembles.  
and they disappear as she says-

"Your name is now Cause!"  
She smiles, or at least I think so, I cannot tell.  
"Why that name? It's not even a name, it's a word!"  
"Just because, Cause!"  
Ok, now you have a name for yourself, your are now CAUSE (or CTE, CAUSE THE ENLIGHTENED)

"Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a Cloune R-"  
"DO I LOOK LIKE A CLOUNE TO YOU? BE HONEST, I'M SECONDS FROM BACKHANDING YOUR BITCH ASS ON A PLATTER!"  
You flinch,  
"I guess I may have had some false accusations about you, Jane. I am terribly sorry."  
She certainly has the anger of a Myme, but we all know they don't mix. So she might not be a Jyester after all.

"Would you like to Join me on my venture, Jane?"  
"YEE-HAW, MOTHERFUCKER, I don't see why the fuck not!"

And just like that your meaningless friendship that WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT SHIFT THE PLOT AT ALL  
has been formed.  
You and Jane, the MEDIUM-LARGE SPIDER,  
leave the cave, soundly, to go out and explore the world of

======CUTSCENE END========


	4. Queenie With A Peenie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SETHIAS gets kidnapped by The LEGENDARY FUCKING FUJOSHI DRAGON

You are now the DRACONIC HUMAN known to the Northern reaches of the world as MARGARE VIR DEVORATRIX, your tales of (allegedly) brutal murders and collection of (allegedly) stolen BLCDs have reached all regions with the exception of this one town of half-assed cos-players and Otakus. You contemplate murdering everyone. "Let's murder everyone." SETHIAS immediately disagrees and also shys away from your naked form. As a FUCKING DRAGON, you take offence to this gesture almost instantaneously. In your many decades of very classy upbringings, you have been taught that your form to be appreciated with kind oogles. This really ruffles your feathers.  
  
Since you've met this very tameable kitten of a boy, you have had a sneaking suspicion that he has been trying to lay you this entire time, but you do not worry about it much. You know you'll do it first.  
  
The building you are in is still currently burning down at the moment, in which you remember that this twink is not resistant to fire. You decide he needs to get to safety fast, and that he is yours everyone else can fuck off to the nearest McDonalds and order a Large McSuckIt with some fries fuckin' gremlin mo-

whoa there, you almost lost your cool. Wouldn't want him to see that... yet.

So you calm down and rationally take him to safety, by knocking him up- I mean out with a head butt that sends him to sleep. In one swift motion, you hold him like a prize and in the process almost snaps him in half from your FUJOSHI STRENGTH.   
  
After bashing down several DOORS, you go out side and take flight, holding him by his clothing using your very powerful TEETH [LVL 68]. There it is, your MOUNTAINOUS CAVE all warm and inviting. You set the boi down and just look upon him. He looks way cuter and at peace when he's knocked unconscious, his little kitty ears keep twitching every now and then and don't even get started on that tail. It just makes you stifle a rather dominant "Mnf", which puffs a small flame from your nostrils.  
  
You start to wonder about him more, what does he do in these lands? What is his favourite smell? Is it you? It better be. Does he eat? What does he eat? Does he like CHARRED CORPSES? You sure hope he does. The whole past month you'd been stalking him he never seemed attached to this world, like, he's off doing some weird complex set of equations or something in his head. You wonder what made him rush into a burning building, filled to the brim with shit ships, just to see you. It might be the GODS, it might be MAJIK, yet you disagree with your thoughts.   
  
You don't believe in either of those things.  
  
You believe it's  Fate, Destiny, Love. Pure as can be.  
  
+++++MEANWHILE+++++  
  
You are now SETHIAS.  
  
SETHIAS awakes in his REALM OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS, wearing a MAID OUTFIT with a pair of GLASSES OF MEGANE.  It seems he was in the middle of dusting, oh yes, a tedious task that is, what with all the cobwebs that appear in the MANOR OF NUCTURNAL [sic] SILLINESS (MONS). SETHIAS dusts the fuck out of a bookshelf before checking his surroundings.  
  
It seems the room is a bedroom suited of you in every way, they seem to be your DESTINY QUARTERS. The only source of illumination in the room is from the warm glow of the candle-lit chandelier, it functions in a very bizarre way though. The only way for it to be put out is if SETHIAS decides to either become conscience or become DOMINANT (S), though SETHIAS by nature is all ready set to SUBMISSIVE (U)...  
Sucks to suck.  
  
The room has a BODY-MIRROR in it to allow him to examine his TAUGHT ARSE [LVL 68] in the MAID OUTFIT. He doesn't really know why, but he feels really vulnerable in this outfit. The room also has a bed which has DRAGON FEATHERS scattered all over it. The pattern of these feathers reminds you of events that have not yet occurred, but you see very lewd things in the future, followed by cuddles and spooning galore! Just thinking about it makes your ears flutter and your tail curl in anticipation.  
  
SETHIAS happens to spot something under the bed, that suspiciously looks like a body pillow, so he (non-seductively) bends down to pick it up...  
  
+++++BOOP+++++  
  
You are now MARGARE.  
  
You boop SETHIAS on his small nose, waking him almost instantly. Seeing his unusual bright blues connect with yours makes you feel justified in your decision not to eat him, yet makes you very unsure how long you can hold back absolutely fucking him into the soil with your HONEST INCAPACITATING PLEASURE SATERS (or HIPS).  
  
Just before SETHIAS can ask where he is, your leader THE QUEEN OF UNEXPECTED SURPRISES (QUOS) does the SEXY WALK up to the two of you. "Well, whale, wail, what wondrous whereabouts were wrecked when we went westward?" she said. "The fuck did you just say?" both you and your bride say at the same time, surprising, because he hasn't said anything  the whole story. The QOUS starts doing that slow clapping thing, you know when someone is being a smug fugg despite your efforts? That clap. That clap that deserves a slap. But you are not to hit a queen! Yet! You are only level 87B, she is level 100D. You will need to either move up 2 letter rankings, or level up 28 times.  
  
"Do not question me, thrall. I have been waiting for you to return and took up alliterative speech, it took several months... you should have returned before that." she says, fiercely eyeing your prize. "Whoa, now hold on, you can fuck right off with your bullshit hypnotic gaze!" you cover SETHIAS'S eyes with your LEFT HAND, "Don't you have some volcanoes to shove up your ENDLESS ABYSS?" The QUOS loses her SMUG DEMEANOUR and slams the BASS off her BOGGLING STAFF down, resulting in a very loud

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEIjAz0QFbg onomatopoeia isn't my strong suit)....   
  
"SEVEN." a large booming voice says, the QUOS groans and rolls her eyes as an IMP dressed as a MIXED JOKER appears. Pinching her forehead, she defeated says, "Please leave this cave, IMP," the IMP seems to be stunned almost shocked to the point that they absent mindedly "lalalala i can't hear you".   
  
"IHE'MWA FWARAEHEEHE!!!!! IHE'MWA  FWAIHENYEAHLULLULYUCK  FWARAEHEEHE  FWARAOHOMWA  TEEHAAHTEE TEEHAAHTEE  
HAEHELULLUL HAOHOLULEHE!!!!! HAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Ok, so either they've completely lost their shit or they are speaking another language, you go with the ladder seeing as they have now pulled out a lute, put themselves in a KNEELING STANCE and started strumming like a CLOUNE would.   
  
"FEoury tehiee deahye hiahsa vaeeeenu geeahcaeede, geeryahcaeede wuiitehi sagicahi ah loouvoeloye feahcaee! MUye feahcaee vaeeahmusa   
ouvoeery ahlolo, feoury II ahmu CAhiahsasaiiee GEEahgilolo!"   
  
SETHIAS gives some joyous claps to the singing KNEELING IMP giving it a boost in confidence, "Why, thank you you kind son of a b@#ch! I worked on that song for almost one thousand years of being f&%kin' tossed from heaven to hell, dimension to dimension! It's not a colosseum in front of the f#!king queen or anything, but applause is f*$king applause!" You hold SETHIAS close, so the KNEELING IMP's COARSE LANGUAGE STAT ironically doesn't ruin his FEEBLE VERNACULAR. "Watch your profanity, IMP!" the QUOS shouts. The IMP's neck snaps backwards towards the QUOS, "Mother F#!CKER!" it says as it slides over to the queen, turning their body in the direction they face.   
  
"You don't even KNOW what's in store for that b*#ch a!s of yours..." they sniff the air briefly, "Let me get a look at that b&^ch a*s of yours," the queen disgustedly retorts, "WHAT?!?!" It seems the IMP has begun to grow impatient, as they break out of the KNEELING STANCE they were one in. "THAT. B!*CH. A#S! SHOW ME THE GOODS YOU SACK CHASING, PIPE SMOKIN', POWER HUNGRY B@^CH!!!!" they yell rudely, you clasp your scaled hands around SETHIAS's KITTY EARS and block his WEAK EYES from the sight. "YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH, IMP, DIE!" the QUOS aims her BOOGLING STAFF at the imp and FIRZ A LAZAH at THE IMP. The IMP easily deflects the LAZAH because they are part fucking CLOUNE, and sends it straight back at her, blasting her ROYAL SKANK ROBES to smithereens. "AHHH!~" the QUOS yells in an almost HENTAI like fashion. THERE IT IS!!! IT LOOKS LIKE A B!%CHES A$S! YOU B#^CH A^S MOTHER F&#KER!!!!"  
  
Her DICK flops shamelessly between her thighs. "So, you'd lie for your reputation and insult a fellow BLOOD-SISTER'S FERTILITY for centuries, and flop this shit in MY domain?!" The HEAD OF MAINTAINING ORDER (HOMO) says in his fucking AWESOME CAPE. "NO! IT'S JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING, THAT IMP, SHE DID THIS, HER AND THEM, MARGARE AND HER TWINK!" she shouted and pouted like a child.  
  
"Leave us out of this, this has nothing to do with us!" you say hugging SETHIAS who is vigorously chewing on MINTY-MINTS.

MINTY-MINTS, a fresh new taste, in the same square shape.

SETHIAS warmly smiles at you and his teeth do a large "DING". "And what about you...miss?" the HOMO says to the IMP. "No, sir, I wouldn't do a thing!~" she sweetly replies. "LIAR!" the QUOS yells, "SILENCE! You there! boy! what is your stance on this situation?"  
  
You are now SETHIAS.  
  
Your SWAGGAR is low, which results in your DECISION-MAKING SPECTRUM leaning towards REASONABLE. giving you a chance to level the battle field with all you've got. But, wait, it seems you've loss SANITY! Whatever you are about to say has to be accurate, neutral and well- understood.  
  
You take in a deep breath and you speak.  
  
"I have no strong feelings one way or the other!" you say confidently.  
The HOMO shrugs, "Meh, good enough." And with a THUD-THUD of his MAJIK CANE, she pops out of "EXISTENCE".  
  
"Now then, I will be taking this IMP to safety, and serving her some '54 vintage wine!" he smiles warmly at the "child". "Yippie!~" she hopped unusually out of character. They soon left the room.  
  
MARGARE rushes to close and lock the STEEL BOLTED DOOR. Uh, is this a bad thing? Hungry eyes, drooling mouth, heavy breathing?  
Yeah, you're certain you are the definition of fucked, like unbelievably.  
  
In mere seconds you are pinned to the ground with a DRAGON on top of you.  
What do you do in a situation like this?

 

\------------------------------------END OF CHAPTER III [Which is technically chapter IV]----------------------------------  
KILLS:0  
DEATHS:0  
XP EARNED: 12?  
SKILL LEVELS GAINED: 0  
  
==============================================================================================


	5. A Case Of The Fuck-You's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> achoo cough cough  
> feeling sick on and off

I look into a gaping hole.

Well, not that of a certain DRAGONIC BEING or a FLUFFY BOI, no..... Well, yes actually. because that's who they seem to be.

"What is this? Jane, please explain what is this- this-"

I studder and stutter at the scene, the DRAGONIC BEING has straddled the POOR BOI, but that's it. There's no movement from where I am currently standing, and I'm thankful for that.

"Oh? This ol' thing? It's just a fragment of a multi-verse!"

JANE said casually as if I could understand it.

"Ok, asshat, I get it,"

she rolled  her 4 eyes at me, for some reason.

"This is just something that happens from time to time when a lucky motherfucker as yourself comes in this here cave. Then you usually die a horrible and tragic death by being bitten by a spider, or something like that."

Then she bit me.

I flinched, but nothing happened. Why didn't it hurt? The fuck?

"What did you just do?"

"I bit you, motherfucker. And you lived. Truly ENLIGHTENED, huh?"

I turned to her and she had changed from a spider and took form of some mass, something liquid-like, and slumped herself over and over again into a shape of a woman.

but worst of all, she was a YALIE.

"Bah, stop scolding me, you know exactly what it is."

I tilt my head in conf-

"Dem pockets."

Seriously? A mugging? hmph. I don't reach for my sword and prepare for a duel because

"YOU DON'T CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS HERE! Run. Them. Pockets!"

"Fuck, fine!" I reach into my HAMMERSPACE and pulled out... _**SOMETHING HOLY**_.

I don't know what it is, but I don't remember ever seeing it before.

It's so smooth, yet spiny, gooey, light, heavy, smelly, scary, beautiful, demonic, humorous, disdainful, wonderful, and dreadful all at once and in one sentence.

"That there, is a _**PEG**_ ," She said with an attractive wink.

"No, this is definitely something of a higher degree." I say as I squint into it, only to see her through it, pouting on the other side of the transparent... _**THING**_.

She smirks, "Bitch, I made it! What does it stand for then, Copernicus?"

I, clearing my throat, stand tall and tell her, "Uhm, I don't know,  **_Powerful Egg of Gratefulness_**?"

"Close, my mom owns that one. It's the **_Plot Enlightenment Grapefruit_** , bitch! The 'bitch' is silent."

"About time."

"WHAT?"

"What."

"Point is, I need to hold it for a second."

"But why though?"

"I want to make about seven-hundred and seventy-seven random scenarios occur at random in this universe."

"Well, what if I don't give it to you? I know you don't have the power to take it from me when i have it in my possession!"

I smug at her realizing her only weakness.

"Dude, I'm litrilly at 99% of my power right now, I could snap you in half and make your dick violently explode with needles for 14 years if I wanted to."

"Fair point."

I hand over the **_PEG_** to the YALIE and everything flashes by. Images out of nowhere pop in and out of existence.

A little boy kills his father by grabbing his mother by the ankles and beating on the head with her.

A woman crashes her car in a restaurant and steals all of the free bread sticks.

A sad, overweight, part-time Tumblr blogger and half-time novice musician sits in their room typing up a dumb assortment of stories for their own amusement.

And many more random events happen, but they all cease before you could see them.

"Here you go, I drained all the power out of it that I needed, so you better make up something."

"Make up something? What did you do to it?"

"I made sure no one could use it to destroy me." She shrugged, then looked at me.

"Now, let's rule this universe together, CAUSE... what do you want to do?"

Well someones lost it, but... "What will happen if I do?"

"See that universe? in the portal? it will cease."

"Didn't really know them anyways,"

"Neither do most people reading, now shake your fist and make your wish."

Reading? Man, she sure is odd.

"But will they live? I will not kill anyone who doesn't deserve it!"

"They don't die, they just live their own lives there, for no one to see, nor interrupt."

I have to trust her on this one. If there's any thing i know about YALIE's; they keep their promises and don't die...

I want... I want to change everything,

venture out and meet anyone.

Everyone.

"I want to participate in those random events. The ones in the visions. Take me to them YALIE."

"No reason, but, why?"

Just cause.

_**"Ok, good enough for me. Let's go!"** _


End file.
